Deficit Reduction

Time to get back to the boring stuff. Paul Ryan, a Republican robot, released a deficit reduction plan today. It's bold, in that it makes hard cuts in areas we need to, and also really stupid, in that it makes a lot of cuts in programs that help support poor children, the elderly, and the disabled - while cutting taxes for the rich (again!). It's funny how we can be the richest country on the planet yet still be the stingiest when it comes to helping the sick, poor and old. Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses indeed!

Anyway. One of my favorite things about politics is that people repeatedly base decisions on ideology instead of experience. "Government is wasteful! Let's cut it!" says every Republican ever. When really government waste is minimal, and Medicare and Medicaid have less waste than private health insurance. Interesting and factual! But it won't convince any Republicans to preserve those systems because...um...I don't know why.

You know what's interesting? We recently had a budget surplus! Oh yeah! Didn't Clinton do that? How interesting! Maybe instead of just y'know listening to Republicans (who presided over the ballooning of the budget in the first place under Bush), we should look to how we balanced the budget back then. Let's see...

1) Let the Bush tax cuts expire for the love of Jesus! They cost like $150 billion. THAT IS A LOT. We were incredibly prosperous during the Clinton years and did so just fine with slightly higher taxes. This is obvious.

2) Stop going to war. They cost a lot of money. This includes Libya, probably.

3) Stop enacting programs without paying for them, like Bush's Medicare prescription drugs program. Example of a good new program: ObamaCare, which is 100% paid for. Example of good exception to rule: Stimulus, because the only time you should really have deficit spending is during a recession, to stimulate demand. If any conservatives read this blog they will not like this.

4) Stop having recessions. That's kind of pedantic, but that means we should probably stop doing things that lead to the loss of jobs - like cutting spending programs when we still have 18million+ people unemployed. And we should have strong regulations of the banking industry that stops those jerks from doing idiotic things like plunging the world into Great Depression II.

That's where you should start. Because, y'know, it has a proven track record of success. Evidence, you jerks.

I love bears part 802,859

This cute bear animal post is (as usual) brought to you by Senior Animal Expert & Asian Correspondent Grace Hong.

Kenny's Kanadian Kolumn Reacts

People really liked Kenny's Kolumn. It was so Kanadian! The email box has been flooded with responses here at Gart Central -- and by flooded I mean Morgan keeps sending me creepy pictures and Rush keeps writing things in French or Martian or something. Here are some highlights:

Morgan insisted I post this. When I asked her for a caption, she said "I HAVE NO COMMENT." That is a direct quote. Morgan is funnier on her own blog, which will soon be ready for primetime.

Bachmania!

Michele Bachmann is running for President.  This is what she looks like:

I like her a lot, in the sense that she is really fun to talk about and you know dangerous for America and an idiot and stuff. One of my favorite things about her is that she really understands gay culture. As everyone knows, Elton John is gay. Unsurprisingly, Michele Bachmann knows this too! She also knows what Elton John being gay means for America:

"Normalization (of gayness) through desensitization. Very effective way to do this with a bunch of second graders, is take a picture of 'The Lion King' for instance, and a teacher might say, 'Do you know that the music for this movie was written by a gay man?' The message is: I'm better at what I do, because I'm gay."

Similarly, Ricky Martin is gay. Don't tell any first graders! Why couldn't I think of a better example of a gay person than Ricky Martin? Oh wait. 

I really enjoy How I Met Your Mother, which really has nothing to do with anything. Anyway, Michele Bachmann is legen-wait-for-it-dary and I can't wait for her to run and get an embarrassing amount of Republican support before eventually losing to someone I will make fun of at a later date.

Kenny is funnier than me

Shit! Kenny's post was really good. I have nothing interesting to say today so I'm just going to post a cute video about a dog.

Kenny's Kanadian Kolumn

Dear Americans:

It gives me great pleasure to educate you aboot the upcoming election in Canada. Despite what you’ve heard, Canada is actually a real country. It even has a president (except we call our president the “prime minister”, but I will henceforth refer to him as the president so as not to confuse you, my American friends), whose name is Stephen Harper. In Canada, unlike in the United States, there is no direct election for president. So, the leader of the Party with the most seats in the House of Commons (the equivalent of your House of Representatives) becomes the president. Although Mr. Harper and his Party, the Conservatives, won the last election, they formed only a “minority” government. This means that the other parties in the House of Commons had, combined, more seats than the Conservatives, though the Conservatives had more seats than any other individual party. The problem with a minority government is that, if the other parties choose, they can vote together to dissolve Parliament and call an election. This is precisely what happened two weeks ago. As a result, there will be a Canadian election on May 2, 2011. Please try to contain your excitement, my American friends.

Over the next few months, several people will compete to become the next President of Canada. In Canada, instead of a White House, we have the Ice House, which is an exact replica of the White House except that it is made entirely of ice, where the president must live. As a result, most people in Canada do not want to become president. Nevertheless, the following characters have stepped forward: Mr. Harper, who is running for reelection; Jack Layton, the leader of the New Democratic Party, who stands no chance of winning so no one cares aboot him; Gilles Duceppe, the leader of the Bloc Quebecois, a party that is devoted entirely to the separation of Quebec from the rest of Canada (the Bloc is only on the ballot within the province of Quebec, and so mathematically has no chance of ever winning an election); and Michael Ignatieff, the leader of the Liberal Party, the only man who has a chance to stop Harper.

The Conservatives will almost certainly win this election. The only question is whether Mr. Harper will have another minority government or whether this time he will form a majority government. Many people fear what President Harper would do should he win a majority of seats in Parliament. If he succeeded in doing so, his Party would be free to pass whatever legislation it chooses, since the other Parties would not be able to outvote the Conservatives, even if they all voted the same way (note: this assumes that the Conservatives all vote the same way on most issues, which, in Canada, is generally the case). 

Now, Mr. Harper would likely be considered a crazy socialist in your country, but his platform is considered quite conservative in Canada, and threatens some deeply held Canadian values. He is thinking of modifying our public healthcare system in order to turn it into a private/public model, which would mean that richer Canadians could “opt out” of the public healthcare plan and purchase private healthcare. The fear is that this would result in poorer Canadians having access to worse healthcare, thereby creating a two-tiered system. The entire thing is upsetting since, as Dave Gartenberg will tell you, public healthcare is a big fucking deal. Mr. Harper also plans on boosting our military which, contrary to what you may have heard, actually exists. This is something that I strongly oppose, since if there is any benefit from living in Canada it is the fact that we let you Americans spend trillions of dollars on your military so that we need not spend a cent on ours. Mr. Harper is, then, trying to withhold us from our birthright: the right to mooch off of the American taxpayer.

Unfortunately, President Harper may succeed in winning a majority government and claiming the Ice House. This is because he is an evil genius, and runs some really good attack ads. In the one I’ve posted below, Harper attacks Ignatieff for living in the United States for many years, implying that Ignatieff is not a real Canadian (Mr. Ignatieff used to be a Professor at Harvard). It is actually really funny, and I laughed at first, before realizing that 95% of Canada was probably nodding along with this ad (we only have one tv station in Canada, so I’m assuming all my fellow Canadians were watching the same ad) and deciding to vote for Mr. Harper. Thus, he may wind up with a majority government and free reign to fully implement his conservative agenda for the first time. Only time will tell.

If you have followed this entire thread aboot Canada, I commend you, and invite you share a Labatt Blue with me on May 2 as we watch the Canadian election results pour in. Not for too long eh – theres hockey on that night.

Giraffes Neck Wrestle Too

Again, this post has research by Asian Correspondent "The Girl In Black" Grace Hong.