Kenny's Kanadian Kolumn

Dear Americans:

It gives me great pleasure to educate you aboot the upcoming election in Canada. Despite what you’ve heard, Canada is actually a real country. It even has a president (except we call our president the “prime minister”, but I will henceforth refer to him as the president so as not to confuse you, my American friends), whose name is Stephen Harper. In Canada, unlike in the United States, there is no direct election for president. So, the leader of the Party with the most seats in the House of Commons (the equivalent of your House of Representatives) becomes the president. Although Mr. Harper and his Party, the Conservatives, won the last election, they formed only a “minority” government. This means that the other parties in the House of Commons had, combined, more seats than the Conservatives, though the Conservatives had more seats than any other individual party. The problem with a minority government is that, if the other parties choose, they can vote together to dissolve Parliament and call an election. This is precisely what happened two weeks ago. As a result, there will be a Canadian election on May 2, 2011. Please try to contain your excitement, my American friends.

Over the next few months, several people will compete to become the next President of Canada. In Canada, instead of a White House, we have the Ice House, which is an exact replica of the White House except that it is made entirely of ice, where the president must live. As a result, most people in Canada do not want to become president. Nevertheless, the following characters have stepped forward: Mr. Harper, who is running for reelection; Jack Layton, the leader of the New Democratic Party, who stands no chance of winning so no one cares aboot him; Gilles Duceppe, the leader of the Bloc Quebecois, a party that is devoted entirely to the separation of Quebec from the rest of Canada (the Bloc is only on the ballot within the province of Quebec, and so mathematically has no chance of ever winning an election); and Michael Ignatieff, the leader of the Liberal Party, the only man who has a chance to stop Harper.

The Conservatives will almost certainly win this election. The only question is whether Mr. Harper will have another minority government or whether this time he will form a majority government. Many people fear what President Harper would do should he win a majority of seats in Parliament. If he succeeded in doing so, his Party would be free to pass whatever legislation it chooses, since the other Parties would not be able to outvote the Conservatives, even if they all voted the same way (note: this assumes that the Conservatives all vote the same way on most issues, which, in Canada, is generally the case). 

Now, Mr. Harper would likely be considered a crazy socialist in your country, but his platform is considered quite conservative in Canada, and threatens some deeply held Canadian values. He is thinking of modifying our public healthcare system in order to turn it into a private/public model, which would mean that richer Canadians could “opt out” of the public healthcare plan and purchase private healthcare. The fear is that this would result in poorer Canadians having access to worse healthcare, thereby creating a two-tiered system. The entire thing is upsetting since, as Dave Gartenberg will tell you, public healthcare is a big fucking deal. Mr. Harper also plans on boosting our military which, contrary to what you may have heard, actually exists. This is something that I strongly oppose, since if there is any benefit from living in Canada it is the fact that we let you Americans spend trillions of dollars on your military so that we need not spend a cent on ours. Mr. Harper is, then, trying to withhold us from our birthright: the right to mooch off of the American taxpayer.

Unfortunately, President Harper may succeed in winning a majority government and claiming the Ice House. This is because he is an evil genius, and runs some really good attack ads. In the one I’ve posted below, Harper attacks Ignatieff for living in the United States for many years, implying that Ignatieff is not a real Canadian (Mr. Ignatieff used to be a Professor at Harvard). It is actually really funny, and I laughed at first, before realizing that 95% of Canada was probably nodding along with this ad (we only have one tv station in Canada, so I’m assuming all my fellow Canadians were watching the same ad) and deciding to vote for Mr. Harper. Thus, he may wind up with a majority government and free reign to fully implement his conservative agenda for the first time. Only time will tell.

If you have followed this entire thread aboot Canada, I commend you, and invite you share a Labatt Blue with me on May 2 as we watch the Canadian election results pour in. Not for too long eh – theres hockey on that night.